Lots of things can make melodic noises, it was something to do with evolution, that's why all the dinosaurs are dead (couldn't hold a note), but wet wineglasses are hugely successful at other people's house parties.
Lions can't sing either, so you'll notice they are endangered. I can't remember the last time i saw a wild Lion.
Humans did well, as they could use their vocal chords to pass on information, like how much warmer it is for the time of year, or to sing.
Singing is quite an important part of the mating ritual. You'll find that many men will start to sing when attempting to attract a mate in the depths of nightclubs.
The lights are low so those with "unlucky" faces are on a level pitch with those more gifted, and suddenly, all the males will start to sing along to Oasis, or show off the fact they know all the words to Ice, Ice, Baby.
Good singers could frequently rise to the top on their talents, mate continuously on tour, and pass on their genes.
Evolution in action.
But ever since Cher, there has been a new force in action, that even Darwin didn't spot.
Autotune.
Cher, unhappy with Father Time seemingly using her face as a punch bag overnight, realised she needed to get back that evolutionary gift, the art of singing, to swing the odds back in her favour.
Deep in Cher's laboratory, under a dormant volcano, teams of scientists put together a a secret computerised weapon to make any rusty steel door swing open to C minor.
The weapon, known as autotune, was put to effect on the track "Believe" and she was instantly catapulted back into the spotlight.
With the extra revenue, her face was accelerated to 88mph and sent back in time to a more youthful look, and everything was going just swimmingly.
The secret weapon didn't stay secret for too long though, Paris Hilton, from her own secret base disguised as a hotel, reverse engineered the software and also became a famous singer, despite being able to hold a note for about as long as being able to hold a conversation on Particle Physics.
Autotune broke cover, and now appears in many chart singles, from songs about a plague of fireflies to Hip hop artists describing cars that they hired for a video shoot.
The effect of singers using Autotune could probably best be thought of in terms of Art.
Imagine if Claude Monet thought, "You know, this rubbing coloured grease malarkey is wearing a bit thin, why don't i just take a photo, as it'll be far more accurate than i can ever produce."
Could you call him an painter if he just snapped a quick one on his iPhone, and mailed it directly to Flikr?
"Check out my new painting of these waterlillies that were like awesome, bro."
sent on my iPhone using OldMasters app.
Seeing as you don't need to be able to sing to be a singer, why do we need all these talent shows?
Out of thousands, they'll whittle away to just a few acts, and finally choose one to become a popstar.
And as soon as they have proved they can sing, Autotune comes in and makes it all a moot point by doing the singing bit for them, all they need to do is read the lyrics out over the phone and a microchip does the rest.
On the bright side, Autotune has some good sides, fitting small autotuners to Lions will undoubtedly save their species from extinction.
Work has already started with Pandas-
Finally Cher, who famously sung Rescue Me, has rescued the Giant Panda.
As a short sidenote, a comment in the above Panda article caught my attention.
“You can imagine a robot shooting down balloons, like in the wild west, using two revolvers, or three, but much faster than a person.”
Yes, yes i can. Wild West robots with guns was the main theme of theme-park-phobic Michael Crichton's novel, Westworld, and just to recap, it didn't end well.
The End
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