Get up with the buzz of a Nokia, and head for one of my trademark strong coffees.
These are real strong, and have a smell like a fire at a clutch factory. It's an acquired taste, a bit like that imported really dark bitter chocolate. The next level, hardcore.
The smell of ground coffee is addictive, although it never tastes as good as the grinds, but still, you know you're alive after a big mug of it.
Followed up by a breakfast sandwich of brown bread toast and last night's chicken pasta stuff. I'm a bit of a dustbin in terms of breakfasts, any leftovers will do. Cold pizza would be number one though, but that would require willpower to leave some in the fridge. The Earl of Sandwich, I salute you.
So once that, a shower, and time to load the car. It was sunny outside, the dew still drying off the windscreen, roads were quiet-ish. Just me, a V8 tank and 100 miles.
The first hitch was the F*cking Dension gateway.
Gateway to what? Hell? It would just loop one song, maybe make an odd scratchy noise, then repeat. 2 mins in, pull over, reformat, head off again, same crap.
Service station in a few miles off the M6, reformat... same...
I've got an open road, windows all open, shades on, and not exactly running against the clock either, I NEED driving music. Luckily, my Nokia N97 has a handy FM radio transmitter built it.
I have the BMW sat nav going, Nokia providing the tunes...
100 miles, blue skies, and I'm wearing shades.. Let's hit it.
The target was Birkenhead, a bit of tuning for a guy who has a "Fastest Ford in the UK" record. I'll have my work cut out if I can get his BMW to impress once I'm finished with it.
With about 10 miles left, I switch navs, the car one was hastily added in, and no number, no postcode support, a guess at whether is was a "street"or a "road". The nokia maps app is free on a lot of nokias now, and why get anything else?
First off, the Nokia starts telling me I'm heading the wrong way! Maybe I got street/road mixed up...
Same town anyway, can't be too far...
I follow on for a bit, heading out the motorway I just came in, and see a "57" on the screen...
57 what? That's not my speed, it's not the limit...
Jesus! It's the time to arrival! I managed to travel to a spot an hour away from the true destination. I was doing great for time, BMW nav reckoned 11.10 (well, it was 10.10am, but I haven't figured out how to change the time on the clock since BST started)
ETA -After midday for a roughly 11am meeting.
I have to pull over and double check. Maybe I hit the wrong favorite, and it was going to direct me to some place I visited a year ago, but nope, it was right....
So I call the guy, "Hey, I messed up on the directions, I'll be running late". It's no problem for the guy anyway, plenty of time left.
I hang up and head straight into a traffic jam. You know the score, lines of cones for about 2 miles, traffic for 4 miles, and at the end, just as the road hits a roundabout is one guy on a jackhammer. That killed another half hour or so, but hey, sun still out, music still on, windows down, and the odd Marlboro... It's all good...
Apart from the nav seems to be showing my route as a huge circle back to where I just was at the beginning. 20 mins of the motorway later and I'm about 5 mins away.
Then I make a wrong turn. I'm not bothered. I'm a bloke, we don't ask directions, just carry on, you'll see a sign, all roads don't specifically lead to Rome. I end up going through a toll tunnel under the Mersey.
Too busy to drop into a low gear and make some noise though. Sat nav tried to convince me just before the tunnel to break left, and jump out through the service yard. WTF?
Why is that even on the map. It might as well suggest hedge hopping. I pay the £1.50 toll for my own mistake, and let the Nav off the hook, although it won't be getting a Christmas card this year for that.
Out on the other side, I realise I have to turn round and get back, so I let the nav work out a route. I glance across ESTIMATED TIME TO ARRIVAL 103Mins.
ONE HUNDRED AND THREE.
2 mins ago I was 5 mins away...
Then it became clear. The nokia was specifically avoiding tolls, Bimmer nav didn't care. It was about a £50k car when new a decade or so ago, not the kind of person to be short of £1.50.
Nokia, however, decided to save me the £1.50 by routing me 60 miles around the Mersey.
Another £1.50 through the tunnel - an adventure in itself, as I had had ran out of change so i went to a manned toll booth.
Handed the guy a tenner, he handed me back a load of change. Pull up to the barrier, and wait for a few mins. It was like going through customs...
Nothing happened, I started to feel a bit nervous.. Was I a bit too fast on the first tunnel run?
The guy calls out "you need to put your money in the basket!"
For crying out loud, when I hand a bloke a tenner at a toll booth, I'd have thought he would have taken the toll.
Imagine the discussion-
"So you work in the toll booth?"
"Aye, Our Kid..."
"You must take some money in over a day!"
"Well, no not really..., I know I work in a toll booth, where people pay the tolls, but I just hand out change..."
Payment done, I get there. Usual well knitted garage team, and the whole lot start ripping the piss. Nice guys though, every one was friendly and cheerful, That's the 'pool for you.
I get the job done, and the guy takes it out for a spin. I'm looking over to make sure he still has the traction on as I don't want to die just yet. I calm myself thinking that if he has a 500-600bhp second car, he knows what to do behind the wheel. It did go well, very well.
The 3.0 Turbo-diesel felt far faster than the 4.4 V8 I drove there in.
On the test route, we pass a guy with some real baggy shorts on, riding a bike. "That's a bloke that is!" I turn around, and it is.. It's a really unconvincing tranny with a skirt on.
That was my first meeting with the famous Birkenhead Tranny.
And I mean famous... Later on that day, I find out he has his own "tribute" youtube song.
Real catchy too-
I later reailse I've seen photos of him before at Ladies day at Aintree. Today happened to be Ladies* day, obviously his newspaper fame from last year was enough.
*There are no "Ladies" at Aintree Ladies day; there are females, with fake tans, fake nails, silicone.. ahem.. appendages.. but certainly not ladies...
Turbo guy decided to push the boat out, and ask for more boost... I don't mind in this case. this guy knows his turbos, runs a garage, so I give him a touch more, and he's doubly happy.
Job done, I head home, ignoring any kind of satellite assistance until I'm miles from anything remotely Toll-like. The journey home was a lot better. I manage to get the Dension USB stereo CD changer thingy working properly again, sun's still blazing, it's Friday afternoon, happy customer!
A few miles out, the Nav directs me away from the M6, and onto some A and B roads.. I let it off, perfect A/B road weather. Upbeat music on the stereo, heading home. Summer time had arrived!
The 2 hour drive turned into 4 hours there, maybe 2 1/2 back, but you can't be mad with blue skies!
I'm hoping someone at the far end of the Stelvio Pass is looking for a bit more power.
A crazy day, but I wouldn't have it any other way!
The End
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